


Date Night

by dw_fwedewick_heweiden, orphan_account



Series: Eclipsial Labs and Research LLC [5]
Category: Agent Pendergast Series - Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child, Eclipsial Labs And Research LLC, SCP Foundation
Genre: Arson, Crack, Dark Crack, Double Date, F/M, M/M, Very OOC, brief discussion of medieval torture, karen speaks to the manager, lots of swearing, please dont take any of this seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 20:53:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19363966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dw_fwedewick_heweiden/pseuds/dw_fwedewick_heweiden, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sometimes dates end in flames. Literally.





	Date Night

It is positively bustling at the restaurant. Almost every table is occupied, either by couples, families, individuals, or - at one small table near the back - what appears to be two dogs in one trench coat. 

Currently, four individuals are on a double date. On one side of the table sits a fairly nervous looking short man, and his very tall, much more intimidating boyfriend, who is also wearing a very nice baseball hat.On the other side sits a short woman whose default expression seems to be one of anger, and a tall man dressed in all black. The four seem to be discussing something in great detail.

“My favorite medieval torture method,” says the woman, “is the heretic's fork. Extremely effective.” 

The man in all black nods in agreement.

The very tall man in a baseball hat seems slightly puzzled by her choice, but doesn’t say anything about it, instead saying, “Wasn’t there one with a cage? Where eventually the crows ate you, or something?”

“I believe so,” says the woman. “Myself, I’m not fond of that one. It seems so...extravagant.”

The tall man in black looks down at his date. “Actually, I have to disagree with you there. If you were going to be tortured to death anyway, would you not want to go out in style?”

She shudders. “Absolutely not. I’d rather die quickly and painlessly.” 

“What fun is that?” asks the baseball hat man.

“You would rather be eaten alive by crows? _Truly?_ ”

“Well, if I had to pick a way, I’d rather be burned,” says the baseball hat man, “but hey.”

“Oh, burning! A classic.” The man in black smiles, happy to share his knowledge on the subject. “I’m somewhat of an expert on burning alive. Last year, I was pushed into a volcano.”

“By me,” adds the woman. 

The baseball hat man seems to be reconsidering his opinion of the woman. “Which volcano?”

“Mount Etna. Sicily.” 

“That’s the one that erupted a while back, right?”

“Yes.”

“Nice,” says the baseball hat man, impressed.

“It was really hard to climb out of the volcano,” says the man in black. “Took forever.”

“Oh.” The baseball hat man considers this, before turning to the short guy who has been slowly shrinking into the corner for the past ten or twenty minutes. “H-” he starts to say, before noticing the other man’s expression. “Heiden, you okay?”

“Am I ever, Kondraki?” Heiden seems more than mildly distressed about the topic at hand.

“Are any of us okay, ever?” interjects the woman. 

Kondraki considers this for a long moment. “What?” he says, finally.

“We’re all pretty fucked up,” says the man in black. “Do normal people push the people they love into volcanos? Hmm, Constance?” He looks down at her meaningfully.  

“I do _not_ love you,” she huffs, somehow angrier than before.

Kondraki most _certainly_ does not understand any of this.

“Of course you do,” says the man in black. “It’s pretty obvious, right? _Kondraki_?”

“What the fuck, Diogenes?” Kondraki is still 404ing. By this point Heiden has somehow managed to hide under the table despite the table not being a very tall table at all.

Diogenes turns to look at Constance. “How about a kiss?” he says with a smirk, leaning in closer.

She slaps him across the face.

 

Two tables over, a couple is seated. It is a man and a woman. They are both dressed expensively, and they are eyeing the table where Constance, Diogenes, Heiden, and Kondraki are seated, with a mixture of suspicion and disgust. They start discussing things in hushed tones, occasionally glancing over at the table and giving everyone dirty looks.

Though really at the moment only Heiden notices this (due to the rather unfortunate, or maybe fortunate, fight between Diogenes and Constance at the moment), and he is under the table, and probably not coming out from under the table for quite a while.

The woman, Karen, gives them yet another dirty look, and gestures in the direction of the table, saying “I don’t like the look of _those two_ ” a bit too loudly. Unfortunately for them, this catches the attention of literally everyone sitting at the table, and since it’s not really clear _which_ ‘those two’ she’s speaking of, she has now angered everyone except Heiden. (Heiden is still under the table.)

Kondraki moves to get up. Diogenes stands as well, and the two of them walk slowly over to the couple’s table. The couple looks very uncomfortable, glancing between them and Constance, who is giving them a Look.

Karen glares back at Constance for a few seconds, but she soon realizes that she can’t match the Look. Karen watches as the two tall men draw closer. “John!” she screeches, pointing. “Fight them! Beat them up now, or I'm leaving and taking the kids!”

This is when Kondraki decides to take out his lighter. Sheerly for intimidation purposes, yes, but still.

Karen gasps, standing up quickly, knocking over her chair and drink in the process. Kondraki takes great delight in the fact that he has utterly terrified this woman. He also is not paying attention to where he is putting his lighter, or the fact that when Karen stood up, she also spilled alcohol on the table.

The table that is now on fire.

“Ah, shit,” Heiden says quietly, from under the other table, which is thankfully not on fire.

“What was that?” Constance is still giving Karen the Look. Her gaze drops from Karen’s face to the table, that is now burning. “ _Oh_.”

“You see what I mean.”

“I do.” Constance stares intently at the fire.

Meanwhile, Karen is also staring at the fire, looking fairly horrified. “If I have to pay for this I’m suing you!”

“Pay for what?” Kondraki asks, and then stops to look at the table. “...Actually I think I’d have to pay for that.”

Constance blinks at the fire. “Shall we help put it out?” 

“...” Heiden has retracted further under the table like a very anti-social turtle.

“...No? All right.”

 

Diogenes looks at the burning table for a moment. Then he climbs on top of it. Literally everyone in the restaurant is watching by now.

Constance stares. The Look has returned. Beneath the table, Heiden is trembling. 

John and Karen back away in fear as Diogenes looks down on them. “What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitches?” he says, looking down at them with disgust. 

Then he T poses. On the flaming table. 

Kondraki starts clapping, very proud of Diogenes.

Constance cringes. Heiden is sobbing. Karen is scooting away from the table, further convinced of the horrid nature of these two, which she is correct about. John is standing dumbfounded. He is also on fire.

Across the restaurant, the two dogs in a trench coat are watching the scene. (They are in a trench coat because this particular restaurant does not serve dogs.) One of the dogs moves to get up, prompting the other one to get up as well, and they both wobble precariously over to the flames. The dog on top steals a water glass and throws it on the fire. This does almost nothing to put it out, but it was a nice thought.

Karen has backed as far away from the table as she possibly can, meaning she has cornered herself. There is fire to her left, along with the tall man who is T posing on the table. And to her right, there is the tall, intimidating man with a lighter and a very nice hat. Karen has been in many unpleasant situations, and her method of handling them is tried-and-true. She has never been in this particular situation before, but she is sure that she’ll be able to handle it the way she handles every other problem she has ever come across: loudly clearing her throat, waiting until both of the tall men’s eyes are on her, and screaming “MAY I SPEAK TO THE MANAGER?”

This has the effect of both making everyone nearby absolutely despise her (a bonus) and the manager poke her head out of a nearby doorway. Said manager sees the fire (and the man t-posing in the middle of the fire, and the second man with a very nice baseball hat looking fairly dumbfounded at Karen screaming, and the third man, who is on fire and screaming in pain) and tentatively makes her way towards them. “Yes, ma’am? I am the manager here.”

“THIS PLACE IS HORRIBLE,” Karen shrieks, as loudly as possible. All heads in the restaurant turn toward her. “I’M LEAVING A BAD REVIEW ON YELP!” 

The manager cringes at the loud screaming, probably thinking _Oh god, not another one of these people_. She holds up her hands and says, “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem? I can...try to rectify it, at least, after I call the firefighters-”

“FUCK YOU! I WANT A FULL REFUND!” 

“Ma’am, considering your table and your husband are on fire-”

“I DON’T CARE! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I PAID FOR THIS TABLE? I HAD TO RESERVE IT THREE MONTHS IN ADVANCE!” 

“Ma’am, if you’ll just let me speak-”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT! I DEMAND MY MONEY BACK!”

“Ma’am!” The manager is very exasperated by this point. “I was about to say-”

She is interrupted by a loud _thunk_. John has fallen into the table. Diogenes stands behind him. He is smirking in that annoying way of his. Constance is at his side, wearing that mildly-pissed-off expression. Kondraki is looking at them, mildly surprised, but not really.

“OH MY GOD!” Karen screams, pointing at the two of them. “THEY JUST PUSHED MY HUSBAND INTO THE FIRE! IS HE DEAD? OH MY FUCKING GOD! I THINK HE’S DEAD!”

“Ma’am, I am going to call-” 

Whatever the manager was going to say, she doesn’t get to say it, as Karen runs over to her husband, who has passed out on the flaming table. “JOHN? JOHN!”

Constance kneels down beside the body and pokes at it. “Is there a pulse?” 

Karen glares at her. “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

Constance looks up at her. “There’s no need to yell.” 

“I FEEL THAT THERE IS PLENTY NEED TO YELL!” yells Karen, perfectly proving Constance’s point as she hauls John out of the fire. 

“If John wasn’t dead before, he is now,” points out Kondraki. He stares at the flaming body of Karen’s husband before looking at Diogenes. “You know, maybe you pushed the wrong person. This one’s more annoying.”

“Sirs...and ma’ams…” The manager turns to Kondraki, Diogenes, Karen, and Constance. “I must ask...how in the living fuck did this happen?”

“THEY DID IT,” Karen screeches. Constance covers her ears. “IT WAS ALL THEIR FAULT! THE TALL ONES! AND THAT…” she searches her brain for an appropriate insult. “THAT STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE BITCH!” 

“Well if you didn’t fucking insult my boyfriend-” Kondraki starts, before cutting himself off. “Okay, the fire was my fault, but that was an accident. Mostly.”

Diogenes’s smirk grows wider. “I’m pretty sure the fire was accidental, yeah. You can’t really blame us.” 

The long-suffering manager takes a deep breath. “Ma’am? The…” She searches for the correct word for a moment. “The ‘asshole bitch’,” she says eventually, using air quotations. “What would you say happened?”

“I’m actually not quite sure,” Constance says innocently. (She is the opposite of innocent, but she is also a talented actress.) “I’m not an asshole bitch. I don’t know why she would say that about me.” 

“FUCK YOU!” says Karen. “YOU...OR YOUR ASSHOLE STUPID DICK BOYFRIEND! WHICH ONE OF YOU PUSHED JOHN?!” 

The manager pinches her forehead. “Ma’am, would you please stop yelling…” She searches for someone who has not been involved in this screaming-slash-fire match, and her eyes meet Heiden’s, Heiden being still under the table. “Ah, you, under the table? What happened here?”

Heiden just shrugs, looking very distraught over everything that has transpired over the past twenty or so minutes. “I don’t know,” he says, barely loud enough for the manager to hear. “I was under the table.”

The manager accepts that no one here has the same version of whatever story there is to this and sighs heavily, her shoulders sinking. “Anyway, ma’am?...The one who called the other one an ‘asshole bitch’?...What I was gonna say earlier was-”

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” Karen lunges at Constance, pushing her to the ground. “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE BITCH!”

Diogenes tries to pull Karen away from Constance (who is currently pinned to the floor, with Karen’s shoe on her chest.) “Don’t worry, babe, I’ll save you,” he assures Constance, winking in what he is sure is an endearing way.

“Do _not_ call me babe,” she snaps. “Just get this woman off of me.” 

By now Kondraki has grown bored of this drama and has wandered off to go sit with Heiden under the table. (Though not without much difficulty.)

Diogenes manages to wrestle Karen away from Constance, who gets to her feet and sighs heavily, wandering away to sit with Heiden and Kondraki. Diogenes releases Karen quickly and hurries after Constance.

No one seems to be noticing the fire spreading everywhere. The dogs are still frantically trying to put it out, while the manager argues with Karen. “Ma’am! I am trying to offer you-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I WANT A FULL REFUND AND NO LESS!”

“If you’ll **shut your fucking mouth**!” snaps the manager, having finally reached the end of her patience. “I am trying to give you a full fucking refund, but you won’t let me speak!”

“Oh,” says Karen. “Okay. Thanks.”

Behind them, another table catches fire and the fire alarm (belatedly) goes off.

 

The crackling of the restaurant on fire does not concern anyone, because they are outside, and no longer in the flaming building.

They sit in the parking lot, waiting for the fire department to arrive. Karen is off with the manager, talking out the details of the refund. Heiden, Kondraki, Diogenes, and Constance sit in one corner, away from the other guests, who are understandably kind of mad at them for setting the entire restaurant on fire. The two dogs have removed the trench coat and are sniffing around the parking lot for food crumbs.

It’s cold - which is to be expected, as it is the middle of January - and Heiden is shivering. (So is Constance, but Diogenes doesn’t notice.) 

Kondraki sighs. “So. That went...shittily. I’m sorry.”

“What?” Heiden looks up from the plant that he has apparently been inspecting very closely for the last ten minutes. Though that is doubtful.

“I’m sorry,” repeats Kondraki. “That went about as badly as a date can go.”

“Yeah,” Heiden agrees. “I mean, it could have been worse. We could be dead.”  
Kondraki shrugs. “Death is a social construct.”

“What does that mean?”

“I dunno. You cold?”

“...a little,” Heiden says, after a moment’s pause. “But-”  
Kondraki silences any protest he might have had by draping his jacket over him. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Hey!”

“You’re very cold,” Kondraki states. He scoots closer to Heiden. “So keep the jacket.”

“Are you gonna want it back?...”

“Nah, I have like ten of them.” Kondraki laughs quietly. “Just keep it, aight?”

“...alright,” Heiden says, trying to discreetly get closer to Kondraki. He is fully aware Diogenes is staring at them curiously. “If you’re sure.”

Diogenes looks back at Constance. She’s watching as the two dogs trot around the parking lot. He notices that she’s shivering, so he takes off his jacket. After a moment of hesitation, he puts it around her shoulders, and rests his hand on her shoulder.

She stands up immediately. “ _Don’t_.” 

“Oh.” He thinks for a moment. She shouldn’t be rejecting him. He’s being incredibly fucking nice. “Why do you keep rejecting me? I’ve been incredibly fucking nice to you. Babe, listen-” 

“Do not call me babe.” She slaps him. Hard. 

“What the fuck?”

She slaps him again.

“I love you,” he murmurs, trying not to grin like an idiot. She’s adorable. He can’t even bring himself to be mad at her.

She glares at him. He smiles and leans down. 

 

Kondraki watches as Diogenes tries to flirt with Constance, trying not to laugh as she slaps the shit out of him. It surprises him, however, when she stops hitting him and steps closer. He blinks in surprise, looking again - they’re not _kissing_ , are they? 

Oh. They are kissing.

He pauses for a moment, processing this.

Neat.

Loud sirens make everyone whirl around. The fire brigade has arrived, finally. Just in time to interrupt a romantic moment, and to possibly save the infrastructure of the building as well!

The first fire truck pulls in, and a very large, very fat cat jumps out and looks around, pausing to shout some orders at a few very tired looking firemen. He stops upon seeing Diogenes and Kondraki, and groans loudly. “Oh, not **you** fuckers again. This is the fifth fire I’ve had to put out thanks to you two, and not necessarily even you two together.”

Diogenes narrows his eyes at the cat. “Larry. I thought I got rid of you in Miami.” 

“Surprise, bitch,” Larry drawls. “I lived.”

“Yeah, obviously.” He rolls his eyes. “Guess what, fucker? You said I’d never get a girlfriend. Looks like you were wrong, after all.” 

“I am _not_ your girlfriend,” Constance snaps, pulling Diogenes’s jacket tighter around her shoulders.

“Alright, whatever, you two,” Larry says, not really paying attention. “You! Fucker number two! What’s your excuse?”

Kondraki shrugs. “General chaos. Also, this time it was an accident. I genuinely planned to have one good date.”

“Clearly something went wrong.”

“You think I didn’t notice?” Kondraki asks sarcastically. “The restaurant is on fire, Larry.”

“I can see that!” Larry yells.

“Then use your brain and figure it out.” Kondraki goes back to fussing over Heiden.

Larry huffs loudly, with a pointed look to Diogenes that says ‘fuck you’, and walks off into the fire, not saying a word.

Everyone is silent for a few seconds, before Diogenes asks, “So does that mean I won?”

**Author's Note:**

> the other day, hayden and i had a strange discussion about what would happen if diogenes pendergast, constance greene, and dr. heiden and dr. kondraki went on a double date. the conclusion we reached is that it would end in disaster. and of course we had to write it :') 
> 
> this is not meant to be taken seriously.


End file.
